Wanna Be on Top?: ANTM Episode 1

And ANTM is back again to make us laugh, cry, and scream at Tyra for cutting all of the girls who are actually pretty week after week. This season, they're really driving home the point that they are look for high fashion models.

Yeah yeah Tyra, you say this every year, but until you get rid of the Cover Girl contract, you will never be able to choose anything but a girl who looks like the girl next door. And I have a feeling Cover Girl trumps Italian Vogue. Speaking of which,  how many favors did Andre Leon Talley have to call in to get Italian Vogue to agree to feature a top model winner? He must have some dirty little secret on someone. Perhaps the editor-in-chief's fave party dress she passes off as a Vintage Gucci is actually some label-less gown she found in her grandma's attic?


 1. Bussing it to Palm Springs:

As usual, we have a huge group of girls to start with. All of the girls jump onto a bus and find out they're all going to Palm Springs! Every single one of them screams.We have a feeling that more than just the one girl who admitted it had no idea what or where Palm Springs is. When they arrived then, they must have been somewhat pleasantly surprised. Oh. It has really nice spas and stuff, but why is everyone so old, why didn't we go visit Khloe and Kourtney in Miami?? The girls then find out that they will be competing directly with the person they sat next to on the bus as they will be casting for "types." It's almost refreshing that they're not hiding how characters are chosen on reality shows.

Palm Springs circa 1970

And then...Tyra, herself shows up, and guess what? She still has that really nice hair we were praising her for a few posts ago.See Tyra's Best Wig Ever Mr. Fashionista starts convulsing now. He's accidentally entered the room while the show's on. He is in fits over Tyra's grand entrance. I simply explain that even though she is so very ridiculous, we must embrace her in spite of ourselves.









2. Let's Meet our Lovely Contestants:

Cynthia Rowley

Next up, first runway walk and we find out that Cynthia Rowley will be hosting a party for the girls following the walk. Wow. Ms. Rowley is really pimping herself out this year. First, Project Runway a couple of weeks ago and now this. I'm not sure why she agreed to do this show, though, as 10-year-old mall rats can not afford her clothes


Now we have the meet and greets with Tyra and friends. Tyra likes to bring out her inner Oprah and snap-snap-snap-girlfriend for these segments.

And, first up, is Goldilocks, aka Kayla. Tyra takes one look and snap, snap, snaps her backstage to slicken those curls into something more respectable. We find out she's an idiot because she can't find the exit. When she returns, she looks a whole lot better and we find out she's poor and she starts crying. Tyra is sold. She loves it when she can make people cry.


Next is Bitch-My-Way-On-to-the-Show, aka Kacey. Kacey didn't make it the first time she tried out. And when all else fails, you hope adopting the villain role will make everyone overlook the fact that you are ugly and annoying (this tactic ends up working for her-shocker).
 
Flower Hippie, aka Rihanna, impresses everyone with her ability to mimic flower shapes. We think she looks too old.

30 G (that would be her bra size), aka Esther, and raised an Orthodox Jew, is willing to give up her faith to become a model. Tyra looooves that answer. She must really want this!


Keira Knightley's anorexic cousin, aka Ann, is, well, she's hideous. I can't stand looking at her. There is such a thing as too tall and too skinny and she is it.


Princess, aka Jane, is from Princeton and owns a horse. Tyra hates her for being wealthy. She seems nice though and she's actually really pretty.

Lisa Bonet, aka Liz, is a single mom on food stamps more than willing to be away from her kid for however many weeks ANTM tapes for. But we still kind of like her and she totally looks like Denise Huxtable.


Next up is Vanilla Ice, aka Sara. She raps and I want to kill her. I don't think anyone was amused actually. I hate her completely.




Virgin for all the right reasons, aka Kendal, is awesome. My fave by far. She has been saving herself. Why? As a matter of principle? No that can't be it. She is disgusted by semen. Aren't we all? Oh, and she is stunningly beautiful.

We also meet the sisters Terra and Chris, at some point. They seem nice enough. I don't think either of them really has a chance. Now, then onto the party at Rowley's house! But only 20 of the original 34 will get to go to the party and at that time they will be photographed for yet another round of eliminations.Wasn't particularly impressed by anyone's photo shoots, but the first shots these girls take usually suck, so it's par for the course.

3. The Elimination.
Tyra goes through the names of the girls who will be on the show. All the ladies we talked about above make the cut. In addition, Super Agent Annamaria (who wants to be the next Janice Dickinson with a fictional modeling agency), Chelsey (.Non-descript, she better hurry up and figure out her schtick before she gets herself kicked off the show),  and (supposed) Uma Thurman look alike Lexie also make the cut.


It's a little early to pick a horse, so we'll wait until next week. To check out what these girls actually look like, check out: http://www.cwtv.com/shows/americas-next-top-model/cast